It's Nearly Christmas

Wishing everyone a happy Christmas and a superb 2014!

Yippie Ki Yay, Mothafucka

I finished exams today. Well, yesterday now. Good feeling, roll on five weeks of no academic anything. Yay. Anyway, things are good. Life is good and despite the crappy weather, the world is a bright and beautiful place. The power of self-belief is amazing. My last great challenge of 2013 came to an end when I wrapped up my exams. I'm looking forward to chilling for a week or two and resuming the good fight in 2014. I still struggle to comprehend what I've become. A positive influence on the world, somebody who makes a difference. I had to go through the fiery pits of my personal hell and now here I am, strong and free. I'm seriously looking forward to going out over Christmas and letting loose.

Thankfully all my preparations are complete. Presents long bought, money for my wallet, gel bought, some new clothes, fitness has improved and beginning to look a bit healthier after a gaunt period. I've got a road race on New Year's Day. Bring it on. I did it last year and I was the worst adult racer there. I'm making sure that I'll at least do better than that. I'm going back on the road for this one. I run on the field now, it's too painful and I get too many injuries from the road. I love running but it's not worth it when too regularly you can't run and some days, walk correctly. But I know it'll do no harm for one day. It's nice because I'm building all those leg muscles up again. I feel very fit and fast now. I feel ready for hurling and this race. I'm ready to make a real cut at 2014, but not without enjoying Christmas :)

So here we are before Christmas. I've always found it an odd time in a lot of ways. Weird in that as I've got older, I've never fully felt "Christmassy" at this time. I'm not Scrooge by any means. I mean, when I was younger and in the glory days of when old Saint Nick was squeezing his big bottom through my chimney, I loved Christmas. I used to love all the Christmas songs and got really into it. but now, I'm kinda of the attitude, "sure we'll get a nice dinner and spend time with people we like anyway". Before, it "CHRISTMAS, IT'S CHRISTMAAAAAAAAS!". Ahem. So yes, my attitude has changed. I mean this time last year, my mind was not exactly in a cozy state and needed it to keep me going. But now, I'm so happy, I don't actually need it. I'm not saying I don't want Christmas, but if it was cancelled, I'd live with it and smile away. People get very attached to it. That's good, it's full of happy memories for most of us, but we should keep that Christmas spirit all year. What sickens me the most about Christmas is when people try to be all friendly with you when they wouldn't look at you for the rest of the year. We should all strive to be kind, warm and hospitable to people from the 1st of January to the 31st of December. Impossible, yes, because many people are false, weak-willed and are simply not capable of being so inclined, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. All our lives will be all the better for it. And on that note, I'm gonna bust you out my favourite Christmas tune. I personally feel this embodies winter as a whole. It's different, it's enchanting and it always send shivers down my spine! The world is different at Christmas. And one thing that makes me happy is strolling around seeing how different the world is at this time, because there is no comparison. I won't say anymore, enjoy the video and the song, I'll say Merry Christmas even though I'll be back active on this once I finish exams on the 20th and have a lot more free time. So yes, Merry Christmas!

Benny Benassi - Back To The Pump (Original Mix)

I'm enjoying this a lot!

Going Home

I mentioned that I'm going back to my home club again after an exile of sorts. I've had people wondering is it the right thing. But, you know what? I know I'm ready. I've trained exceptionally hard to get faster, stronger and healthier and there's not a thing in the world that's going to stop me. A part of this process has been looking at the bigger picture. As you can tell, I've an interest in more than one thing. I like my sport, of course, but there's more to me than just that. I like my clothes, hair, women, gaming, reading, music, writing(no sh*t, Sherlock), comics, cartoons, sci-fi and nerdy stuff in general. I'm not a one to dwell on one interest. When I was younger, I did. I think everyone is like that, nothing else matters only our usual, deep passions. That's good, it's part of learning how to be ourselves. But all this has helped me to become a better player. Why, you ask? Well, because I'm more relaxed and focused in the correct way. I'm not bound up in matches and I just let it happen, and don't be watching the sideline and wondering when am I going to be taken off. I used to blame others for my mistakes and why things weren't happening. I hadn't the maturity to accept that it takes a serious personal effort to succeed. No, now I play for fun. And I go harder now, because I enjoy it. My vision has improved, my striking, first-touch and reflexes have all improved. This all happened because I love life more, life is fun for me! Obviously it help that I'm a hell of a lot lighter than in the good old day, but attitude has been important, very important. Now I leap into things and just go for it, because I'm not afraid anymore! All of this has helped me in other areas too. I learn more, I'm back into reading and I'm a better writer. What's the moral story? Relax, if you have the ability and know you can do something, then you'll be fine. Stop worrying, life won't fall down because you make a boo-boo! Get up and charge again! Keep going, nobody likes a quitter!

Another thing I've figured out is that we shouldn't be afraid of getting help. We don't know everything, and if you help people, they'll help you back. Get that second opinion, or whatever you need, do it! At the end of the day, not many care about what you do, but there will always be people who will help you. Take it, because the day you really need it, it may not be there. I did too much on my own, but now that I'm ready and able to face the world, I gladly accept help when I need it. Of course, I'm not saying be a sponge, but you know what I mean.

Doctor Who: Regeneration (All The Doctor's Regenerations 1963 - 2010)

For those of you who don't about Doctor Who and his regeneration's!

Muhammad Ali - Amazing Speed

This is one of the reasons I love Ali, his sheer talent and speed! I admire his footwork so much that I try to emulate it, with mixed results!!

I have not posted for a while, but it was for good reason. I needed to live my life and become comfortable in my skin before I could fully accept who I was and who I am today. It all started around March 2011, I was 17 and half years old. I was no different to anyone else at that age. But, for some reason after an 18^th birthday party in my hometown, was when I began to develop a lonely, empty feeling. I didn't get where this came from, nor to be honest will I ever know. But I lived with this and got over it, or so I thought anyway. I was in fifth year of school and I was your average gifted slacker, I had ability but no desire. The summer came after school and here was when things got hairy for me. I got a job with my brother-in-law just to be doing something. The pay was awful, but I was minted as far as I saw it. Hurling was and still is a huge part of my life. I loved it, nothing else mattered. I was after getting a bit fit and losing a bit of weight and this was great. I was moving well so to speak. All this was fine until one day I did something very stupid to deeply upset my mother; it was awful and stupid of me. We both said regrettable things but I wasn't able for this, I buckled. I went out and found a rope. I wrote a note.

 I disappeared and went to end my life. I chose an old water supply station as my spot and climbed the hill to it, as it's on a large height over our house. I made the journey and arrived, it was go-time as far as I saw it. I placed my note under a rock and tied the rope onto a ladder. I made a noose and put my head into it. I went loose and felt the choking. I chickened out. I thought of everything important in my life and the effects this would have, I grabbed hold and pulled myself away. I hadn't fully realised what had happened, so I went and destroyed the note for obvious reasons. I then realised what had happened, and I was in shock. I fell to my knees and cried to God for help. It was a dusky summers evening, not quite dark but not quite bright. All of a sudden, clouds broke away and there was sunlight over me in the sky. I felt this warm, comforting feeling as I lay there on my knees. I mustered the strength to get up and go home. I took the rope with me, just in case. I fell on the way home, which was another sign of some intervention; as I lost my phone. The significance of this was that the whole thing was to do with my phone. And no matter how hard I tried, I never found that phone. I went home, got my father's phone and rang the Samaritans. I told them nothing about my attempt, but it was useful to address some issues. Eventually, my mother and I reconciled and I buried my feelings. I focused totally on work and hurling. It's weird to say, but other than that, it was a great summer. I did nothing but make money and hurl, not a bad combination!

 Anyway, that summer passed and I was faced with something I wasn't prepared for, the Leaving Cert. I cared, but I didn't care. I was in recovery mode throughout the year and only did two and a half weeks of honest study, my hopes were pinned on a certain college; I honestly thought I would get it. I also put on a lot of weight; I reckon about 2 stone, 2 pounds. But that's only a rough guess really. The Leaving Cert came and went, I was on a high. I was free, or so I thought. That summer was fine as after your leaving cert, you've zero interest in doing too much, you need a rest! I got it, but then August came. 325 points: 15 short of where I wanted to go. I was sunk, deflated and horrified. This was not the plan. I got another college on my CAO but had no interest in it. The course didn't suit me and I wasn't wasting my time or my parents' money. So on the advice of my mother, I applied for a PLC and got it. I was damn glad, I couldn't repeat, I just couldn't. So time passed and this course started. I wasn't fully over my leaving cert at all. I was doing brutal in this PLC solely because I didn't care. I hated myself. I did not want to exist. I used to listen to sad songs. I spent many days pondering why I was alive at all. My mood was erratic and I could flip at any time. I stopped feeling emotions, only hatred survived. It all came to a boil when I found myself sitting on a park bench wanting to die. Even in my sick state, I vowed to never let that happen again. I just about existed from then until Christmas, getting by was a success. Christmas came, that got me through the winter. I found that I was beginning to lose a bit of weight without effort, and when I couldn't fit into a shirt from my sister, I was done. Weight was implanted in my mind when in November I weighed myself, and I saw 15 stone 9 pounds blinking back, all I thought was "Oh Jesus Christ". So, I watched what I ate at Christmas, no indulgence. It was also this time I quit drinking. December 26th was the day. Because I was minding children new year's eve, I didn't go out.

The journey started on January 8^th 2013. It was 5:25 am and I simply could not sleep and felt no way tired whatsoever. For some reason that I still cannot truly fathom, I decided to go for a run. It was tough, but I felt good and was happy that I did it. In fact, I was buzzing so I decided to keep going at silly o’clock in the morning. My first real foray into road running was on New Year’s Day 2013. It was a five mile charity road race organised by my GAA club. I’m a sucker for charities so I did it. It was torture. I couldn’t walk for three days as my legs were so stiff. Despite this, I liked it. It wasn’t as bad as I first feared. Anyway, back to the real beginning. I kept running every day, and I was feeling the benefits. I decided to take it seriously, make a real good stab at it now that I had begun the journey. I reduced the amount of food I ate. I used to love food. I still do, but I used to eat food like no tomorrow! I went down to three meals a day. The basic set of breakfast, lunch and dinner. I stopped eating after my dinner, for which I was notorious for.

I was improving as a runner, but I was still quite naïve. I hadn’t proper footwear, and my feet were suffering for this a few weeks into it! I had to splash out on a new pair of Aasics trainers. Believe me, they weren’t cheap! I didn’t mind that, it was about getting my feet right at that stage as they were hurting like hell. I was going good at this stage, I was about three weeks on the trail, but then I met my first real challenge. Every person that has ever been a runner has regularly spoken about the wall. And on this Friday, I hit mine with a spectacular bang. It was my first morning with my shiny new trainers. I was like a child at Christmas; I couldn’t wait to use them. So off I go with my new trainers, full of zest, full of hope. It started off fine, but then once I hit my first checkpoint, the laces came undone. Fair enough, these things happen, but I hated having to stop to tie them as I was losing time. I tied them, and trotted off again. Then, every injury I had prior to that hit me like a train. I had a groin strain, ligament damage in my ankle from the year before and sore knees. It was horrible, I mean, it was my worst nightmare. I had to stop. I absolutely hated what was happening. I felt weak, I felt vulnerable and I was angry. I pondered giving up, I really did. I was standing in the middle of a quiet road at 5:50 am on a Friday morning wondering what the hell was going to happen. But then I realised, what would be the point of giving up? It wasn’t in me to give up; I’d never forgive myself, so I walked for a while. I then started running again; it hurt me so much I can’t even describe it to you. I eventually completed my run, but the time to me didn’t even matter at that stage. The fact I finished it all was an achievement. I concluded that I had to get a good swim to relax myself. It worked a treat, and I took the weekend off (at least from running) to get myself right.

I was pleased that I won that battle, I needed to, it’s moments like those are the ones that can make or break a person. It made me. All the while, I was training with my hurling club. That was fine with me, I got in extra exercise by myself and I could use it to benefit me at training. It was hard to balance them at the start as I wasn’t used to training on my own, but I got around it. Initially, I was doing seven days a week, which is utter madness when you think about it really. I then got more structured. I would get up at 5:30 am on Monday to Friday and take Saturday off. I would then run on Sunday nights as it would be dark, and I like running in the dark. I could see the benefits more and more. I was beginning to noticeably lose weight; I was getting stronger and faster. Speaking of strength, I started doing push-ups and sit-ups to help my core area. I was doing this for a long time, but, between hurling training and the running, I was making myself sick as I was doing too much for my own good.

At this stage, February had almost passed and even I; my worst critic, could even see I was toning up. I was delighted, but knew I had more to do. I was so used to being heavy that you just, simply, accept your load and ignore it. Especially when you were heavy for as long as I was; I was heavy since 12 more or less, and I was never, ever truly happy about it. I was not morbidly obese or anything, but I was overweight nonetheless. Anyway, at this stage I was beginning to start getting good at running. I was doing 2 miles in 17 minutes. Not bad, considering I did it in 23 minutes on that awful Friday I discussed.

The mental side to it is obvious, but it’s much deeper than anybody could ever realise. I have always had a deep, innate, fear of the dark. As daft as it sounds then, I like running in the dark. I wonder about myself sometimes……..Anyway, some mornings were awful for me. As it was so scary, I was always running from the dark, into more darkness. But it was good for me. It taught me to face my fears and while you’ll always be scared of things, it’s how you react to fear is the measure of a person. I was seeing things that weren’t there. One morning I nearly got a heart attack as I thought I had encountered a person standing in a ditch! But thankfully, it was merely a piece of light and my mind playing tricks on me.

At the beginning of March, the weight loss was really obvious and I was beginning to look really thin. It was great, and along with it, my confidence was growing. I began to look into psychology more and more, and that’s how I discovered how the mighty Muhammad Ali really thought about himself and the world around him. People always assumed he was arrogant, but he was anything but. He had great self-belief, but knew he had to continue to train hard to keep at his great heights. He knew he was better than his opponents, but was also aware that this meant nothing if he got beaten. He knew his strengths and weaknesses, but also knew how to defeat himself. He had a good view of the world. He helped people and still does. He always pondered about the more philosophical aspects of humanity and cared deeply for his fellow man. He summed himself up for me in a pre-match press conference when he told George Foreman that “I’m a show you how great I am”. Those words became my motto. I am great, why am I not? I began to get more confident in myself. I began to have this burgeoning sense of pride within myself that I’m not sure was ever there. It was good, I was improving my social skills more and more. I was never shy, but now I could talk to a stone about the recession.

April came and things in my life were coming good. After Christmas I totally changed. I worked hard at the PLC and it worked! I did well. Well enough to get into university. This was great, and I had the best summer ever, because I was loved by people and I was capable of love again. I began to look sharp with my clothes and looked healthy. Women were noticing me and needless to say I liked this!

Also, during the journey I made a necessary mistake. I left my home club for a neighbouring club for games. It worked, but I missed "home". I'm going to finish off the year and go home again, back to where I belong.

So then I started university in September, a new beginning. I'm doing fine in my studies so far and I'm receiving counselling from an amazing woman in there, I thank God for her influence.

Now here I am before Christmas, different. It's amazing to think of how much change can occur in twelve months. For me, everything has changed.

My journey is not over, it's only beginning. I now weigh 11 stone, 13 pounds and I am as fit as I've ever been, I have a four pack, which is great! I feel my rebirth as like regeneration from Doctor Who, a totally new man! I'm confident, proud and strong. I want to meet people, I love life and I love who I am. I'm not afraid of new challenges and wake up happy, compared to not wanting to wake up at all. I had to endure a lonely journey of torture and pain but now I'm a better person for it. Nothing will stop me now, I am my own hero. I wrote about this to not gloat, but to inspire. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. Don't let things get to you. Don't do what I did and walk a lonely road, realise people love and care about you! You are special, and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Get help if you need it, do what you need to do. Realise your own greatness and use it, be your own superhero. Be a trail blazer, not a sheep. Who do you want to be?

As for me, I'm on my road to greatness. I'm not afraid anymore; I am the person I've always wanted to be! Fight for who you want to be! YOU ARE THE GREATEST.

The story never ends until you want it to.

Hello there!

Yes, I lied. I said I'd update it more, but I also mentioned exams, of which I'm half way through. I'll have a new post up about my journey in 2013 soon, I promise. If I'm able, it may be this weekend. I have plenty to tell you!

Hello to whoever reads my blog!
I've decided I'm going to make this more like a blog, and update it! Don't worry, I have more writing in the pipeline, so that'll be up soon. So, what's been going on. Well, the weight is nearing the final phase, so only half a stone to go! I have delightful exams soon, but I'll be putting up stuff as I go along. Anyway, the fire is warm, the television is actually good for once and I'm tired!
Take care for now!
Paxcon78

From Darkness to Light: A Journey for Greatness

My name is not important; I’m an ordinary man who lives an ordinary life. I like this life, but this year I decided to strive for something more in my life. I decided to become the man I always wanted to be.

The journey started on January 8^th 2013. It was 5:25 am and I simply could not sleep and felt no way tired whatsoever. For some reason that I still cannot truly fathom, I decided to go for a run. It was tough, but I felt good and was happy that I did it. In fact, I was buzzing so I decided to keep going at silly o’clock in the morning. My first real foray into road running was on New Year’s Day 2013. It was a five mile charity road race organised by my GAA club. I’m a sucker for charities so I did it. It was torture. I couldn’t walk for three days as my legs were so stiff. Despite this, I liked it. It wasn’t as bad as I first feared. Anyway, back to the real beginning. I kept running every day, and I was feeling the benefits. I decided to take it seriously, make a real good stab at it now that I had begun the journey. I reduced the amount of food I ate. I used to love food. I still do, but I used to eat food like no tomorrow! I went down to three meals a day. The basic set of breakfast, lunch and dinner. I stopped eating after my dinner, for which I was notorious for.

I was improving as a runner, but I was still quite naïve. I hadn’t proper footwear, and my feet were suffering for this a few weeks into it! I had to splash out on a new pair of Aasics trainers. Believe me, they weren’t cheap! I didn’t mind that, it was about getting my feet right at that stage as they were hurting like hell. I was going good at this stage, I was about three weeks on the trail, but then I met my first real challenge. Every person that has ever been a runner has regularly spoken about the wall. And on this Friday, I hit mine with a spectacular bang. It was my first morning with my shiny new trainers. I was like a child at Christmas; I couldn’t wait to use them. So off I go with my new trainers, full of zest, full of hope. It started off fine, but then once I hit my first checkpoint, the laces came undone. Fair enough, these things happen, but I hated having to stop to tie them as I was losing time. I tied them, and trotted off again. Then, every injury I had prior to that hit me like a train. I had a groin strain, ligament damage in my ankle from the year before and sore knees. It was horrible, I mean, it was my worst nightmare. I had to stop. I absolutely hated what was happening. I felt weak, I felt vulnerable and I was angry. I pondered giving up, I really did. I was standing in the middle of a quiet road at 5:50 am on a Friday morning wondering what the hell was going to happen. But then I realised, what would be the point of giving up? It wasn’t in me to give up; I’d never forgive myself, so I walked for a while. I then started running again; it hurt me so much I can’t even describe it to you. I eventually completed my run, but the time to me didn’t even matter at that stage. The fact I finished it all was an achievement. I concluded that I had to get a good swim to relax myself. It worked a treat, and I took the weekend off (at least from running) to get myself right.

I was pleased that I won this battle, I needed to, it’s moments like those are the ones that can make or break a person. It made me. All the while, I was training with my hurling club. That was fine with me, I got in extra exercise by myself and I could use it to benefit me at training. It was hard to balance them at the start as I wasn’t used to training on my own, but I got around it. Initially, I was doing seven days a week, which is utter madness when you think about it really. I then got more structured. I would get up at 5:30 am on Monday to Friday and take Saturday off. I would then run on Sunday nights as it would be dark, and I like running in the dark. I could see the benefits more and more. I was beginning to noticeably lose weight; I was getting stronger and faster. Speaking of strength, I started doing push-ups and sit-ups to help my core area. I was doing this for a long time, but, between hurling training and the running, I was making myself sick as I was doing too much for my own good.

At this stage, February had almost passed and even I; my worst critic, could even see I was toning up. I was delighted, but knew I had more to do. I was so used to being heavy that you just, simply, accept your load and ignore it. Especially when you were heavy for as long as I was; I was heavy since 12 more or less, and I was never, ever truly happy about it. I was not morbidly obese or anything, but I was overweight nonetheless. Anyway, at this stage I was beginning to start getting good at running. I was doing 2 miles in 17 minutes. Not bad, considering I did it in 23 minutes on that awful Friday I discussed.

The mental side to it is obvious, but it’s much deeper than anybody could ever realise. I have always had a deep, innate, fear of the dark. As daft as it sounds then, I like running in the dark. I wonder about myself sometimes……..Anyway, some mornings were awful for me. As it was so scary, I was always running from the dark, into more darkness. But it was good for me. It taught me to face my fears and while you’ll always be scared of things, it’s how you react to fear is the measure of a person. I was seeing things that weren’t there. One morning I nearly got a heart attack as I thought I had encountered a person standing in a ditch! But thankfully, it was merely a piece of light and my mind playing tricks on me.

At the beginning of March, the weight loss was really obvious and I was beginning to look really thin. It was great, and along with it, my confidence was growing. I began to look into psychology more and more, and that’s how I discovered how the mighty Muhammad Ali really thought about himself and the world around him. People always assumed he was arrogant, but he was anything but. He had great self-belief, but knew he had to continue to train hard to keep at his great heights. He knew he was better than his opponents, but was also aware that this meant nothing if he got beaten. He knew his strengths and weaknesses, but also knew how to defeat himself. He had a good view of the world. He helped people and still does. He always pondered about the more philosophical aspects of humanity and cared deeply for his fellow man. He summed himself up for me in his a pre-match press conference when he told George Foreman that “I’m a show you how great I am”. Those words became my motto. I am great, why am I not? I began to get more confident in myself. I began to have this burgeoning sense of pride within myself that I’m not sure was ever there. It was good, I was improving my social skills more and more. I was never shy, but now I could talk to a stone about the recession.

As I finish this, I’m sitting in a computer room on the 20^th March at 12:53 pm. I now run six times a week, I can do my run in 15 minutes, I’m training for a five kilometre run on the 27^th of April and I’m leaving my old hurling club for a new one, because I finally had the cop-on to realise I was being messed around with as I was never being played. I can talk to women now, a feat that was almost unimaginable only three months ago. I feel happy, proud and strong; both physically and mentally. I was 15 stone 9 pounds and now I’m currently 13 stone 11 pounds. That’s 2 stone 4 pounds of a loss so far. I hope to get down to 13 and a half stone, but I’ll review that when and if the time comes. There are plenty more challenges to come of this. Whatever about losing the weight, it’s keeping it down is the trick also. I’ve come a long way, but I’ve a lot more to go. And you know what? Bring it on, because I’m ready.

The story never ends until you want it to.

PS: To show how I really feel I'll show you a poem I wrote. 

I Am Great

I am great, why am I not?
How can you say whether I am or not?
I am the King of my universe, I call the shot,
And for those of you who doubt my greatness in hell you can rot.

I am great, but I can make myself better,
So I will, and what makes you say I cannot?

Who are you to say "you can't do this" or "you're not good enough", I will make myself better,

I can be whatever I want to be because I want to be, because I can,
I will be whatever I want to be, because I'm my own man.

Never let a person say "you can't" ,
No, you tell them "I can", in fact, you shout it,
You shout it to the heavens, you think it no matter what you do or where you go,
Because with this thinking, with grace and style you will flow.

Don't hate the person who doubts you,

No, you pity them, how dare you challenge my greatness?
With this greatness, you inspire your fellow man,
You use this influence, to make him or her say "I CAN"

Greatness is not easy to gain,
You must go through pain,
Show yourself why you're great,
Do it before it becomes too late.

Men of Greatness earn their name,
They fight for the right to be great,
Through honesty, dedication and without shame,
They know and act like they're first rate.

I am great, who are you to say I'm not?
I'm a show you how great I am.

Why can't you be great?